Struggling to Move On from Your Ex? Try the Counterthought Game
One of the hardest parts of healing after a breakup is separating who your ex really was from the version of them your mind keeps replaying. When we’re grieving a relationship, it’s very common to focus almost entirely on the good moments while minimizing the patterns, behaviors, and dynamics that caused pain in the first place.
As a breakup and relationship coach, one of the exercises I often recommend if you are struggling to move on from your ex or want to stop idealizing them is something I call the Counterthought Game. It’s simple, grounding, and incredibly effective at helping you reconnect with reality instead of getting stuck in emotional fantasy.
How the Counterthought Game Works
Whenever you catch yourself having an overly romanticized thought about your ex or the relationship, you immediately follow it with a truthful counterthought beginning with the word “but.”
The point is not to demonize your ex or convince yourself the relationship was all bad. The goal is to balance the narrative instead of viewing the relationship through grief and longing alone.
For example:
“I miss them… but I don’t miss constantly feeling anxious about where I stood.”
“They understood me so well… but they shut down every time we had difficult conversations.”
“The chemistry was intense… but the relationship was emotionally draining.”
“I felt so connected to them… but I often felt lonely in the relationship too.”
Why This Exercise Helps When Trying to Move on From Your Ex
After a breakup, the brain naturally clings to emotionally charged memories, especially when you feel lonely, rejected, or uncertain. Over time, this can create a distorted version of the relationship where you remember the highs while minimizing the emotional cost of staying.
The Counterthought Game interrupts that pattern in real time.
Instead of spiraling deeper into nostalgia or idealization, you train yourself to hold two truths at once:
there were good parts of the relationship
there were also valid reasons it ended
That balance is what helps people emotionally detach and heal.
Examples of Counterthoughts
Here are a few examples I often share with clients:
“They made me feel special… but I also felt emotionally uncertain most of the time.”
“We had amazing memories together… but good memories alone don’t create a healthy relationship.”
“They were so affectionate in the beginning… but the effort slowly faded once I became attached.”
“I still love them… but love alone doesn’t fix incompatibility or unhealthy patterns.”
“I miss talking to them… but I don’t miss the confusion and mixed signals.”
“They had so much potential… but I was dating potential instead of reality.”
“I wanted it to work so badly… but I was carrying most of the emotional weight in the relationship.”
“They could be incredibly caring… but they also became distant whenever I needed reassurance.”
“I miss having someone there… but I don’t miss losing myself trying to keep the relationship together.”
“The breakup hurts… but staying in a relationship that repeatedly hurt me would have hurt even more long term.”
Try This Yourself
Write down 5–10 thoughts you repeatedly have about your ex or the relationship. Then challenge yourself to add a truthful “but” statement to each one.
When trying to move on from your ex, the key is honesty, not bitterness.
You’re not trying to convince yourself the relationship was worthless. You’re simply reminding yourself that missing someone does not automatically mean the relationship was healthy, sustainable, or right for you.
Healing comes from seeing the relationship clearly, not idealizing it.
